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Sunday, March 23, 2008♥ 7:23 PM
YO DARLS!♥ ♥ ♥
just as i've said, im here to blog :D
though its been a few weeks late i guess.
YEP.
cos yup i've been away from God for like 3 weeks?!?! and wads there to post when i've been so far away from Him.
anyway, thanks to God's grace he has brought me back to calvary! :D
YAY.
and i shall share it! :D
its pretty long, so just bear with me (if you can) :D
anyway, good friday, went for the sanctification thingy. and i knew how far away from Him i was, and when the video of Christ crucified was shown, it was so gross, i really didnt dare to see it, i felt like vomitting, but that was all i was feeling, and i wasnt touched by Him at all. i didnt know why, i was so surprised at myself, how many times i have seen such videos and stuff, but it was the first time i felt nothing. and God asked me quietly in my heart, 'why have u gone all cold, why has your heart turned away from my love?' i just didnt know why, i tried, i tried to think about God's love and Jesus' sacrifice, but i still did not feel loved or touched or anyway, and people all around were like sniffing and crying but i felt so ashamed of myself.
& so i went home on Good Friday night, still pretty much far away from God. and i prayed, tried to spend time with him, but like every other night, i just couldnt feel his presence there anymore. God had called me to come back to him just like 2 weeks ago, but i guess i ignored it. and now i just couldnt feel Him anymore.
ok so saturday, i somehow knew i needed to go, i needed to get things right and get back on track with God. so i went. and i was late. OOOPS. :/ and they were singing like praise songs and celebrating that they were sanctified. and BLAH and i was like i had no mood to do so, like really whats there to celebrate when my relationship with God isnt there. and so i just sang along and blah blah, and even the song which always makes me cry couldnt move my heart. i realised how hardened my heart was. and then after that pastor started talking about some love thingy or is it the spirit of rejection? i cant really remember now, something about God's love. and then they started singing this song which i never heard before, and i just closed my eyes i could hear vanessa singing behind me i think, and my tears just started to fall without control. and i really had no intention of going up there for the altar call, but somehow i dunno why i just went up.
and i was kneeling there surrounded by people crying and i was crying also. and the what really touched me was wad pastor nina said. what God's decree or something, i cant really rmb it, but what i know is something like 'when you pray, i will be there to listen, and when you seek me with all your heart you will find me, i will not disappoint you.' and really that was just wad i needed to hear so badly. after all those nights where i laid on my bed crying and asking God whether he has forsaken and forgotten about me, and how disappointed i was in Him, that he always didnt turned up when i prayed.
it was the affirmation that i needed so badly, to tell me that God still cared for me. it just felt so good to be back to God's side once more.
and when i reached home, God somehow revealed to me, what sin perhaps i was commiting that i didnt realised. YEP. so i'll try to change, no i WILL change(:
So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart oh God
Completely to you
I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
so I’ll stand
My soul Lord to you surrender it all
I am is yours
oh i love this song! HAH. and i wanna dedicate it to the Lord. :D
anyway, GIVE THANKS TO THE LORD FOR HE IS GOOD, AND NEVER FORGET CALVARY & HIS LOVE FOR US COS HE WILL NEVER EVER FORSAKE US! x3
love,
JO.
(back to hissssstory! russian rev!)
OH and remember to pray for me and shir! if you see this. we got common tests!!! AHHHH i got 3 tests tmrr!!!! my brain is stuffed with stalin & revolutions & physics formulas!)
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