|
Wednesday, March 12, 2008♥ 2:22 PM
A BROKEN HEART, i will not despise
hey dears(: i told you guys i'd be blogging about smth that God broke my heart about this week and so sorry have been rather busy so here to share with you guys now. (: recall sometime last yr, i wrote yo guys the SUPERRR LONGGG email about my thanksgiving for youth camp and the whole year of victory thing. haha. yeah. i don't want it broadcasted on the WWW yeah so i shall just refer to it as 'the incident' oh and this is Vanessa here by the way. heh :D
so anyway. the incident last year as you guys know hurt me quite a bit and i always tried to tell myself that God has a reason for doing these things and i kept thinking what the reason could be. and that night before i slept i tried to spend the hour with God. i was quite tired so i didn't really feel like praying much so as pastor said, just sit there (or lie on the bed in my case!) and listen to what God tells you. so anyway. not many of you all know but there was one service where pastor was talking about the psalm written in acrostic form right. then mavis and i were trying to write also and i did. and i actually made it into my song for God lah. And i was feeling so good about myself and how i so "holy" can write song to God. i shall show you the first few lines of the song. haha.
Almighty Father Best Friend I could ever have Come fill my spirit Down on my knees I fall and just fyi the last three letters X Y Z very hard to find a sentence so i made it chinese heh. anyway. so as i lay there trying to think solely of God and waiting for Him to speak to me, the song popped into my head. i thought at first, cool man God gave me a song to sing to worship Him so i started singing it. And try your best to recall the email i sent you all. it had smth to do with a person right. well, God suddenly just grabbed me and told me to listen to what i was singing. I was singing "...best friend i could ever have..." and it struck me. Tears just poured down my cheeks and couldn't stop. You know how hurt and upset i was when the peron ignored me and everything right. Then i treated the person as a best friend but the feeling probably wasn't mutual. the person would call me a best friend and then spend more time with others than this best friend. had more fun with others than me. i could not understand then. but i think i finally understand what having a broken heart is like.
i was asking for a broken heart at the altar call and to me it's like i don't know what it means and everything just okay lah want lor. but the words best friend slapped me in the face. i was singing that God was my best friend. God asked me in a very quiet voice " why do you call me your best friend when you'd raher spend days playing with your other friends and find it so hard just to spend one hour talking to me? why are you so passionate for me on sundays and when you pray but completely ignore me the rest of the week and day?" I was overwhelmed with this sadness and guilt because i knew that God was right. I was being totally hypocritical and stupid. i caused the Lord the same hurt and sorrow that the person had caused me and i thought God was mean for letting me experience it. but i saw now, that God felt how i felt. and knowing how many days i cried myself to sleep, i felt so terrible that i could have done the same thing to our Lord. I just kept crying and crying and the words "best friend" just kept replaying in my head. I felt so bad about it and kept apoloigising to the Lord and i know He forgave me because He dried my tears and gave me a really good sleep.
but i know now that God has good plans for my life and i should not question his actions or blame him for my unhappiness. i hope this is an encouragement to all of you, my darling sisters. i'll see you guys tmr! :D LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! vanessA!
|
